Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed
1. Losing your virginity isn’t just P in the V.
“Theres no universal consensus on
what behaviors constitute having sex,” relationship and sex expert
Kristen Mark, Ph.D., tells BuzzFeed Life. Not to mention, the notion of
“‘virginity’ is very heterocentric. It really excludes a large number of
people who may consider themselves as having lost their virginity, but
that definition is going to be very different for them.” So losing your v
card might involve penetration, or it might involve anal sex, oral sex,
manual stimulation, dildos, whatever. There’s no rule that your first
time has to meet a specific set of criteria.
2. That whole “popping the cherry” thing is mostly a myth.
Warner Bros / Via changchens.tumblr.com
Not every vagina bleeds like a stab
wound the first time you have sex. “Some women don’t notice any bleeding
at all, but it is true that some women bleed a lot,” sex researcher
Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., author of Because It Feels Good,
tells BuzzFeed Life. This comes from tearing the hymen, which is
basically just tissue inside the vagina. All women have different
amounts of hymenal tissue, and in rare cases they aren’t born with any.
There’s really no way to predict how much you’ll bleed, so…maybe keep a
light on, suggests Herbenick.
3. Along those lines, a “hymen check” is really no way to determine virginity.
Netflix / Via youtube.com
Again, different people have
different amounts of hymenal tissue, and some are thinner, worn away, or
filled with fewer blood vessels than others. Plus, that tissue can tear
from a variety of things, like physical activity, masturbation,
fingering, etc., says Herbenick. So to use this as a marker of whether
or not you’ve had sex just…doesn’t make sense.
4. It doesn’t have to hurt.
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If your first time involves
penetration, a little pain or pressure might be expected. That said, it
should still be overall pleasurable — not painful. So if it hurts a lot, stop. This could be a signal that you need more foreplay or lubrication, says Mark.
5. Getting properly warmed up is a must.
When you know you’re finally going to
have sex, most people skip over all the other stuff to get to the main
event. Don’t do this. If your goal is vaginal or anal sex, make sure to
rack up a few other activities before you go there. Research shows that the more sexual behaviors you engage in, the easier it is for both men and women to orgasm during a hookup.
And if you have a vagina, it’ll make everything way more comfortable.
“The way the vaginal canal works is once you’re aroused, something
called ‘ballooning’ [or ‘tenting’] occurs, which opens it up and allows
for penetration,” says Mark. “If there’s no arousal prior to
penetration, it can be painful.” Plus, lots of foreplay can help a guy
get a stronger erection, so really, everybody wins.6. Lube will make everything so much better.
Columbia Pictures / Via fanpop.com
The experts cannot suggest this
enough. Lube is not just for older folks who can’t get wet on their own.
We promise. A little extra slickness will help everything feel smoother
and more pleasurable — no matter what’s going in where. And especially
if you feel any pain while trying penetration for the first time, ADD
LUBE.
You should know, though, that oil-based lubes can screw with latex
condoms and make them less effective. So you should find a water-based
or silicone-based lube instead.7. Having an orgasm should not be the goal.
Fox Searchlight Pictures / Via handleunknown.tumblr.com
Yes, orgasms are fantastic, but don’t
just focus on when/how/if you’re going to get there. “Getting to know
one another’s bodies is as much a part of the sexual experience as
orgasm,” says Mark. “Being able to learn what your partner likes and
doesn’t like is part of the fun.” It can take some people literally
years before they figure out how to orgasm with another person, so don’t
expect it to happen right off the bat.
8. If you have a vagina, you probably won’t have an orgasm the first time around.
ABC / Via replygif.net
Fifty Shades of Grey lied to
you. Unfortunately, research shows that women are just less likely to
orgasm during sex than men. That said, there are a few things you can do
to increase your chances, like having sex with a familiar partner,
engaging in lots of foreplay, and not just focusing on penetration, says
Herbenick. Also, like we just mentioned: It really can take YEARS for
some people to figure out how to orgasm during sex with another person.
So be patient and don’t give up hope.
9. You’re more likely to have an orgasm if you and your partner are more familiar with each other — physically and emotionally.
Paramount Pictures / Via liketotallyclueless.tumblr.com
Research shows
you’re more likely to orgasm in a relationship than in a hookup
situation — whether it’s your first time or your 50th time having sex.
But losing your virginity in particular is one of those times that the
right partner can make a huge difference. “One of the things that’s a
good predictor of whether you’ll regret it later or whether you’ll enjoy
it is who you lose your virginity with and whether that person
has any sort of meaningful tie to you,” says Mark. That doesn’t mean you
have to have been together for a long time or even be dating the
person, but a sense of trust and comfort with this person will be very
helpful.
10. If you have a penis, you might come really, really quickly.
Universal Pictures / Via imgur.com
And that’s totally fine. It’s your
first time inside a vagina/mouth/anus, so it’s exciting stuff going on
here. But don’t try to stave off an orgasm by thinking about baseball or
grandparents or something. Focus on being in the moment and on your
partner’s needs, and don’t worry so much about when you’ll come, says
Mark. Even if you do finish super quickly, don’t panic — you can just
turn your attention to pleasing your partner.
11. Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just happen to old dudes, so don’t freak out if it happens to you.
Fox / Via mtv.com
Boners don’t always cooperate, and
that doesn’t mean you’re broken or you’re horrible in bed. The important
thing to know is that this can happen to anyone with a penis
(regardless of your age), and that pressure and nerves can definitely
play a role, says Mark. If you’re with someone you trust and are
comfortable with, that might automatically take some of that anxiety
away. If you’re having trouble, take a deep breath, remind yourself that
this is normal, and then try to focus on all the stuff that currently
feels awesome.
12. You can definitely get pregnant the very first time you have sex.
MTV / Via gurl.tumblr.com
Sadly, there are no free passes for
virgins. If your first time involves a penis ejaculating inside a
vagina, you can absolutely get pregnant, says Herbenick. So before you
lose your virginity, think about what kind of birth control you’ll use
to protect against pregnancy, and talk about this with your
partner…preferably before you’re naked. And you might want to take this
quiz about 22 things that may or may not get you pregnant — just so you know.
13. You should definitely still use a condom.
If not for pregnancy protection, then
for STIs — yes, even if you’re both virgins, says Herbenick. Here’s
why: People lie. OK, that was a little harsh, but really, there’s always
a chance that someone isn’t being totally honest when they say they’ve
never had sex before or they’ve only had sex with another virgin or
whatever. Plus, people have very different definitions when it comes to
sex, and STIs can be spread through genital, oral, anal, and sometimes
just skin-to-skin contact. So even if they think they’ve been safe in
the past, they might be mistaken.
Read up on everything you need to know about STI testing here. And if losing your virginity involves oral vaginal or oral anal sex, consider a dental dam. Remember, these barrier methods don’t fully protect against all STIs, but they’re your best line of defense.14. Whatever you do, don’t try to copy what you saw in porn.
Screen Gems / Via meghanfizzy.tumblr.com
All that violent thrusting and those
acrobatic positions aren’t actually things that everyone enjoys,
especially not your first go around. “It takes a while to figure out how
to do that in a way that feels good,” says Herbenick. Accept that
you’re new to this and you’re still exploring, and have fun with that.
15. It’s not true that your soul will be forever attached to the first person you have sex with.
Fox / Via gleeandthejanoskians.tumblr.com
Sure, you might still look back on
them fondly (or not so fondly) when you’re talking to your friends 20
years from now, but you’re not going to be forever attached to this
person if you don’t want to be, says Herbenick. This myth might come
from the fact that many people do feel some sort of a connection to the
person they lost their virginity to, but that’s more of a social
construct than a guarantee.
16. Think of masturbation as practice for the real thing.
Logo / Via logotv.tumblr.com
It would be a little hypocritical to
expect someone to know what feels awesome for you when you don’t even
know it yet. “It’s helpful — for women especially — before partnered sex
to have an orgasm through masturbation,” says Mark. For some people,
it’s going to take time to figure out what you like, what you don’t
like, and what actually makes you come. But figuring all this out before
you get in bed with someone might make your first time less
overwhelming.
17. Your experience losing your virginity will certainly not dictate the rest of your sex life.
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Whether you had a good, bad, or meh
first time, you don’t need to worry about it being an omen for what sex
will always be like for you. This is especially the case if your first
sexual experience involved any form of abuse, assault, or coercion. You are not how you lost your virginity. And remember, you
get to decide what “losing your virginity” really means — whether
that’s the first time you had consensual sex, the first time you had
good sex, or the first time you had any sex.
18. There’s no right time to have sex.
How and when you decide to do it is
no one’s business but your own. You’re not a slut if you choose to lose
your virginity, and you’re not a prude if you decide to wait. What’s
more important than an arbitrary timeline is doing it for the right
reasons and in a context you feel comfortable with, where you are
actively consenting. “That you yourself want to — not that you feel
pressure from a partner or that all your friends are doing it,” says
Mark. “When somebody has sex for the first time for those reasons, they
are more likely to regret it.”
19. Everyone is just as nervous as you are.
A&M Films / Via sincerelyyours-thebreakfastclub.tumblr.com
You’re naked, they’re naked, things
are going in places that definitely haven’t been there before, it’s a
whole thing. Relax, breathe, go slow, and remind yourself that being a
little anxious is normal.
19 Things You Should Know Before You Lose Your Virginity
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